Wednesday Wellness #7: The Promises We Keep To Ourselves

When something bad happens in your life, you will often re-examine the events leading up to it, in order to understand the "why". To ensure it never happens again, but to also feel like you have the capacity to regain some element of control.

Especially for First Responders, control is something we often possess amongst the chaos and let's be honest, somewhat enjoy.

So when we're blindsighted by the circumstances of life, part of our ability to cope is clawing back some control. I also fall into the category of believing "knowledge is power"; I want to know everything, so I can make informed choices and an accurate assessment of where I go from here.

Sometimes when our emotions can be so overwhelming, returning to facts, data and evidence can be a better option (says the former detective, I know!)

But when it's not just fate, bad luck or life's circumstances at play, but a person, it can make this path feel all the more challenging and insurmountable. When someone we know or love hurts us in unimaginable ways, it can not only blindside us, but leave us in complete bewilderment. Everything we thought we knew is no longer true or even remotely accurate; our mind can struggle to comprehend and make sense of it.

Sometimes, in trying to make sense of your new reality and learning to cope in the aftermath, you may undergo some Post Traumatic Growth without even realising it....speaking from personal experience, it can be quite the revelation! (Another reason I'm such a proponent for it)

But when a person is involved, I think it strengthens our "never again" resolve. We want to ensure no one hurts us like that again, is given access or the opportunity to. Often, it's a promise we make to ourselves. But this is a hard tightrope to navigate, because opening yourself up to love, friendship, being vulnerable enough to share your inner world invariably opens yourself up to the risk of it happening again. When we open ourselves up, we essentially hand people the capacity to hurt us. Every tool and every weapon with which to wound us deeply, with the trust that they won't. It's a tough ask for those who have been hurt deeply before.

Love is hard. I would say trust is potentially harder, with a sense of safety being the highest pinnacle to achieve. You find all 3 in one person......that is your person.

But we can get lost in trying to exercise control over people, things, situations and circumstances, that we actually no control over whatsoever. And drive ourselves insane, causing unwarranted stress, anxiety and pain. Focusing on what we can control and what's inside our sphere of influence is where we can have the greatest impact. 

After my own life altering situation and the revelation of how truly awful a person I had allowed into my life...I definitely felt lost for a while. Devastation and complete deconstruction of your life as you knew it, including the future you had mapped out for yourself, can leave you feeling incredibly unmoored. But it would also be unwise to just focus on blaming the actions of that other person, without stepping back and taking a look at my own.

Where did I lose myself along the way, that I let this be all that I thought I deserved? How did I contribute to it getting this far? What behaviour did I accept and gut instincts did I ignore?

I can ensure this person doesn't have access to hurt me again, but what stops someone else...?

• Recognising my own worth

• Understanding what I deserve

• Knowing what I won't tolerate

• Figuring out what's truly important to me

• Trusting me gut...even when it's telling me something I don't want to hear

  
  

All of these things feel easier now that I'm in my 40's and in the midst of my "fuck you" energy era. But as someone in my mid to late 20's, it felt harder. To know, to recognise, to implement. The confidence wasn't there, I was deconstructed in a way I didn't know how to recover healthily from. 

But then something changed; I recognised how freeing it could actually be. To build myself back up, taking the lessons from this experience and become a version of myself that I valued better than I had before. Not willing to tolerate less, from myself OR others.

I settled on 3 very simple words:

Strength. Love. Happiness.

The premise being, if you don't provide me with strength, you don't make me feel loved and you don't bring happiness into my life...you don't deserve to be in it. Simple, but effective. Concise....for a person who tends to be a little more verbose!

Rob Swan and I discussed red and green flags on The Thin Line Rock Station yesterday and this can be rolled into those green flags that I talked about, for me personally.

My thoughts and beliefs have probably evolved a bit since then, but those 3 words gave me something positive to focus on, during an incredibly difficult time. Allowing those qualities to be the standard I set, helped me reclaim a sense of control in my world, that felt so chaotic during that period. When everything had to be challenged, reconsidered and a new path forged.

I called it my "break up mantra" and had it tattooed on my wrist, as a reminder to never accept less again. That's not to say I'm perfect and haven't continued to make mistakes along the way, allowing people access who haven't truly deserved it. Being a positive, optimistic person, I'm always going to want to think the best of people, even when I may end up getting burnt occasionally. Because I still think that is a better way to be, rather than a negative asshole who is suspicious, lonely and only ever assumes the worst of people and their intentions. Nothing is ever completely fool-proof, we just keep practicing discernment and get better at guarding our hearts perhaps.

So when it comes to the promises we keep to ourselves, I work every day to keep this promise to myself. 

To see people for who they are. Not to accept less, when I know I deserve more. To value myself, my time, my effort, my affection and my friendship. To not grant people access out of obligation. And to remember, at the end of the day, if they don't provide me strength, love or happiness....they don't belong.

And on the occasion I forget, not to chastise myself, but to look down at my wrist and be forcefully reminded of that promise. 

Also be reminded of the quote "You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending". That is where our personal agency and reclaiming control comes into play. We can't go back and change what's happened, but we can let past events inform us and create the kind of ending we want for ourselves....with the people included who deserve to be there.

Cheers,

Erin Jane

Remember, you can find me every Tuesday and Thursday 2pm-4pm EST on The Thin Line Rock Station; "Holding Space with Erin Jane" or listen to episodes of "I Will Hold Space For Your Darkness; A First Responder Mental Health Podcast" for in depth conversations with First Responders, Veterans and experts dedicated to the wellness of our people.

And a special highlight for this week! I was fortunate enough to be a guest on the "Uncomfy" Podcast. My episode released this morning, so if you're interested, go have a listen and please feel free to let me know your thoughts!